Journey Story

When I Loved A Woman

by Renee Lawrence

I thought because I hadn’t seen a healthy relationship my entire life, and had my formative years tainted with unwanted advances, I was doomed never to truly love anyone—not even myself.

But, I did love her! 

Having just escaped an abusive heterosexual relationship, meeting Karen became a breath of fresh air. I knew she had to be my soul mate, because she was adorned with the sensitivity and softness I had.

In any relationship, you weigh the pros and cons to give it a clear definition of what makes sense. A pro for me was that I loved her and was able to express that love to her.

The con was the unhealthy environment I found myself being smothered by once again. Then I realized this person had the makeup of abuse as well, which helped me to understand that the most important part of you isn’t in gender, but in character.

My separation from her wasn’t God saying I was wrong for LOVING her, but rather—I shouldn’t be with an abuser. Period.

I had thought my issues with relationships were that I was dating men not realizing that I didn’t know enough about myself to give attention to a man or a woman.

I had thought it was the scars men left on my body that were the problems, all the while not recognizing the dysfunction reappearing in my relationship with a woman.

I have always loved God; nevertheless, like so many, I saw God as a God whose love was conditional. I thought God’s love was based on perfection I know now to be unattainable. Only He is perfect!

At the time, I didn’t know God in an intimate way as I do now. 

As Karen and I parted ways, I found myself in a more traditional relationship, which blessed me with my sons. Did I love my husbands? Yes!

But can I honestly say the love I had for them was more authentic than what I had for her? No! I believe love is love!  It has different levels and languages that only the two people involved can define.

And after personal growth and reflection, I’ve come to realize it wasn’t Karen’s sexuality that made God remove her from my life.

I know now—her love just wasn’t what God intended for ME.

I needed to seek God for the blessing in loving me as He loves me—that was the catalyst that freed me to feel secure enough to love another human being openly and honestly.

I am open for a healthy love that I don’t look to define me but has its own definition. I didn’t know that then, but I do know now.

Photo via flickr user Melhem Rizk